Between Tradition and Ambition

You know how women in history has been struggling to achieve gender equality. We believe that what men can do, women can do. Thus, there is non-sense to discriminate against women. I have been brought up with a strong value of independence. I mean, my mom always stress it that girls have to be able to make their own living and stand on their own two feet. In my mind, I thought that means that girls (at least in my family) don't have to hold on those "Eastern things," like: get married before certain age, you only do this thing on this particular date that is believed to be a 'good day,' etc. Well, let's see.
I consider myself as a big dreamer. I dream with my eyes open, I dream while living my life. I always want freedom to do my own things. My parents who are kindly enough never said no to any of my requests. I don't know how my mom could cope with my "odd"-ness. Since I was a kid, I have always wanted to travel the world. Back then, I said I want to be a stewardess, or a tour guide. I know it's not like a big-shot lawyer or anything, my dream is quite simple: travel the world. I think I just have this "free-as-bird" in my DNA. Besides, my mom always always said to me: nothing is impossible. That saying is one of mottoes that I live by. I think this makes me to even dream the wildest dream possible.
On top of that, I think I'm a planner. I'm not stopping at being a dreamer, I have plans to make them come true. I mean I know that there will be some adjustments here and there along the road, but I drew the whole map already.
So, just recently I had a conversation with my mom about future stuffs. Things like career, and marriage. I told her that:
1. I don't want to marry before I'm financially secured.
2. My future husband also has to have a stability in money matter.
3. I don't see the point of marry at such a young age, just because they said so.
4. In my marriage life, I need someone who I can trust (fidelity) and can give me a moral support when I think I want to give up.
5. I don't want the relationship to be "clingy" or be a burden for both of us. I mean I wouldn't blame my guy if he couldn't make it to some of my events or things like that. I mean just don't cheat on me.
6. I hope both of us still as productive as when we were single. I don't want to get in a way, vice versa.
My mom doesn't agree on any of these tings! She says: well, you have to make sacrifices for your marriage, like you can't work all the time, also, it's okay to get married before the couples are financially ready... i think it'll be hard to find a guy like what you hope for. Very encouraging words, arent they? hahaha... Idk, I mean that's how I see things in life through a perspective of a carefree-just-turned-21-girl. I mean, maybe some of women aren't meant to get married...isn't it more girls than guys in the world? Oh wait, but we have to count for those who are into same-sex relationships. Idk.haha.. Maybe right now, God is preparing someone somewhere to be my guy, or maybe overtime He might change my way of thinking, or maybe it's between these two options. You never know. I'm just 21, I'm gonna do my own things, hoping to get done with my "To-Do-List," if there's a guy cross my path, then AT THAT TIME we shall see... in the meantime, I'm getting back to my own business.

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matt 6: 27, 33-34

Eat Pray Love

I just watched this movie this morning. It is about finding balance in life. The Julia Robert's life fall apart, and she decides to go on a trip to find "the thrill" in her life again. She learns to enjoy food, language, about friendship/ family/ taking care of each other in Italy. She finds her way to meditate and somewhat religion in India. Then, she learns to open up herself and fall in love again in Bali.

Things that I noted from this movie:

"What's the word for London?" "Stuffy" "What's the word for New York?" "Ambition" "What's the word for Rome?" "Sex"

"Americans they don't know how to enjoy pleasure. They work really hard, and then come home, and spend time watching TV." ""In Italy, we know when we need a break...La dolce far niente--the pleasure/ sweetness of doing nothing." "Italians, we talk with our hands."

"Let's go to Naples. We're gonna eat pizza." "I've gained 10 pounds, I can't have pizza." "I've say No to many things, but you can't be in Naples and not having pizza. We can go buy a big-girl-jeans later." "Have you ever been asked to leave when you undress [and the man see that you have a muffin top]? Well, men are so excited when there's a naked girl in his room. That's all that matters."

"It's Thanksgiving. What do you thankful for?" "Well, I'm thankful for being here, see men taking care of their women, parents putting their kids to sleep, friends taking care of each others...seeing and being a part of it."

All those quotes taken when Liz (Julia Roberts) is in Rome.

I am reminded by how can those basic values could slip off our mind real easily. Friends, family, and other enjoyment in lives. Those are things that I've never paid enough attention to. I've always been on the run, making priorities, doing all sort of things to achieve them. I believe that I have to put 24-7 and every breath I have to strive to achieve my goals in lives. I feel like I'm on the race, on the competition with others. If I stop and "smell the roses," others will win the race, and I would not let that happen, because I just can't be the loser. I believe that in life you have to work harder, faster and more efficient. There is no way to stop before you hit the goal. Things happen lately and all those reminds me how important to have a circle of friends and family to keep you on your balance, to celebrate with you when you're on top, to cheer you up and lift your spirit when you're down. Life is dull without them. It is frustrating not having your cheerleaders on the side. It is kinda embarrassing if you check my schedule, I always make them packed, so there's no way I could go out more than once a week on Friday night. I canceled all social activities: hanging out with friends, eating out, etc in exchange with dance classes or school-related stuffs (that has been postponed because of my dance schedule). How bitter I am when I see my others who seem to skip dance classes, and instead go out with their friends, but go further than me. I could not forgive myself. I beat myself up. I have given up all the time and everything I have for this. But, when things do not go as I planned, when I miss my targets, I feel like failures. And, I ditch everyone for this, when I'm down, nobody's there for me, when I reach it, I have no "audience." True story, and it took me a while to realize that something needs to be fixed. But, really a headstrong me. I pace myself to work harder, to do more works, to wake up early, go to bed late. It took me a while to realize that maybe when I find the fun of other activities, enjoy some time to socialize with others, etc. I might function better, I might be more efficient, I won't become such a depressed person, or always have a "failure-like" feeling, I might fins the pleasure of doing different things and in all things that I do.
By the way, the sermon today was also something about the importance of family. Family, in my interpretation, is your biological family and/ or friends.
Well, guess it's true that signs are there if you're open to them.
Thus, I decided that I need to work on my relationship with others, rebuilding my social lives. Let's see where it takes me. Relax. On your way achieving your goals, don't forget to stop and smell the roses. Otherwise, you might have mussing out on the beautiful things in life.

pete_cohen: “People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.” Dale Carnegie

Psalm 127

A song of ascents. Of Solomon.

1Unless the Lord builds the house,

its builders labor in vain.

Unless the Lord watches over the city,

the watchmen stand guard in vain.

2In vain you rise early

and stay up late,

toiling for food to eat—

for he grants sleep toa those he loves.

3Sons are a heritage from the Lord,

children a reward from him.

4Like arrows in the hands of a warrior

are sons born in one’s youth.

5Blessed is the man

whose quiver is full of them.

They will not be put to shame

when they contend with their enemies in the gate.
Footnotes:
a 2 Or eat— / for while they sleep he provides for

Anxious as Always

I feel like crap today. Lately, nothing goes according to my plan. Everything is just wrong. I planned things in life. I love to plan every single thing in my life: what I'll do tomorrow, next week, next month, next years, or in the next few years, what I'll eat, what I have to be able to achieve, etc. I live by planning things. I love things that is on schedule, organized and come out perfect. I hate any disruptions! Surprise, in this case, doesn't thrill me.
I like things in order. Not only schedule, but I'm also talking about stuffs around the house. Messy house kills me. OMG! seriously, now I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. Geez, it is really hard when you put things where they should be at, then people start throwing and moving them around. House is my place to get peace, which I rare feel when in the apt.
Anyways, talking about surprise and all the shocking things. How do you feel when you work your hardest to make something work, but the result is just disappointing? Why does life not go as you expect it to be? When we were kids, we all have big dreams. Then, it started to disappear, consumed by the bitter reality in the world. When I try to stick on my vision, the other part of me says that I'm delusional. This is not an easy time for my personal life. I have to find jobs, make money, etc. I find it embarrassing not to earn any income, I mean at least you could cover your personal expense. So, here I am trying to do my last semester in the university, work, dance, and learning a new language (not to mention keeping my sanity). What I fear the most is: what if I fail in this life? What if I don't find a job with good pay? What if I am never gonna be able to make my parents' life better? (I mean after what all they have done to me-- meaning never say no to any of my request, literally--) I just have to find ways to live my dreams. I don't know what and how, but I just have to. This transition times really puts me under a lot of pressure and anxiety. What if I make the wrong decision, take the wrong steps? I believe my future is determined by choices I made. I'm afraid I'm going to make a fatal choice, and that would be all for me. Being nothing scares me. Let me rephrase that: Being less-than-what-I-believe-I'm-set-out-to-be scares me.
P.S.: I feel bad for sharing something depressing, but not a lot of inspiration I could get in a state like this. So probably, just see it as me sharing my growing up experience, eh?!

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
"To be happy, resign as general manager of the universe." ~ RevRun

Germany WC 2010

Mannschaft and Home

Oh my goodness, I felt like crap yesterday. My Mannschaft lost to Spain in WC semi final. The match was so intense, then @!#!$#@$!@#$! Puyol scored a goal. Bah! He got lucky. HOLY COW! Bah that was not Mannschaft best performance, yet I think it was pretty fair and square. Watching my favorite players (well, I love them as a team) crying on the ground with all that frustrated, sad faces really break my heart. Yeah, heartbroken.. almost as bad as when your boyfriend dump you. But, I felt much better now.
SHOUT OUT TO DIE MANNSCHAFT:
Big hug for Mannschaft, you've fought hard and well! Coming this far is really an achievement. Thanks for all the fun and interesting matches. You're still my FAV!
Now, keep your heads up high! Beat Spain in the Euro 2012!!
By the way, Jogi has done a really good job! Hats off to you

Move on.. some guy came up to me few days ago. In our conversation, he asked all the general things, like where I'm from, etc etc. Then an interesting question popped up: So, where do you feel more like home: Indonesia or here (USA)?
Hmm... I said, here. Then I explained...
I really like it here, because all of the opportunities you can get here. I am one who loves to explore new things, have non-monotonous days, enjoy the most out of life basically. In the US, I feel like people are creative, there are bunches of activities and skills that countries like Indonesia doesn't have. For example: various kind of dances, from African, Salsa, pole dance, tap dance, trapeze, you name it. Then opportunities to learn pottery, poetry, etc that if you do extra research you could get it for free. People in the States are on the next level in terms of state of mind. They in general follow rules (public washrooms are not bad, public transportation is pretty good, etc.). You can find any kind of people here: one who supports abortion, tree hugger, vegan, anti-war, etc. People do not mainly focus on money, which is a big turn off for me. When you live in a developed country, the concerns and priorities are different. So, you know if you happen to express yourself in non-conventional way, you would not get based out, because there are people out there that think like you. It's the freedom and the opportunity to learn and grow.
But, I'm not suggesting that Indonesia is a rundown country. Well, let's see.. The environment that I (and most friends) grow up does not exactly equip us with all the needed skills in life. We live too dependent on our parents, and all the things we see on Gossip Girl. It is a heartbreaking fact that too much money apparently turns kids to be spoiled. Other than that, I felt like I live in a cage. With all the ridiculous policies from the government, censorship regulations, and living in a non-diverse community. I feel like everyone has to be the same. If you're not, the "majority" will use whatever force to turn you into one. People has to think the same, we can't be creative. Asking question is wrong, being critical is condemned. There is not much freedom. We are not thought to strive and thrive.
On the other hand, I respect Indonesian tangible culture: like Batik, the traditional dance, the places (cities, and all). Ok, one thing I still have problem with is the folk music: dangdut. I find the lyrics are mostly silly (talking about your man cheating on you, going off with another woman, or sometimes it's more like seducing a man). That is just weird for me, I don't know. I see the purpose of music is to communicate your message through the lyrics. In this case, dangdut is the same with hip hop, I mean "empty" (at least in my humble opinion) lyrics. But, hip hop, I enjoy the beat. Maybe because there are associations between all those cool moves in the music videos or movies with hip hop music. But, in dangdut video clips, again the videos are likely about a lover and all those dramas that I've mentioned above. I'm waiting to be proven wrong, though. But, Indonesian pop music is pretty good!
My next objection is: silly news. I never understand a high-caliber newspaper like Jawa Post sometimes could cover super stupid things, like: Obama's childhood in Indonesia. So, this article includes interviews from Obama's classmates in primary school. Oh my goodness?! SERIOUSLY?! And, not that informative, they said: Obama could not pronounce few words right (tell you what, my classmate in primary school was just like that!) hahahaha... And, later, somewhere it is said that Obama's favorite food is sate or bakso, I could not remember which one.
Yeah, we love that kind of soft news in Indo. It is really not that informative, it's more like "drama" value. Remember the TV show AFI or something (the singing contest, American Idol-like in Indosiar, aired years ago. They covered how each contestant lives in the house everyday. We want to know them at the personal level. Come on, really?! It's a damn singing contest. I don't want to know who miss his/her hometown or parents or whatever).
Another thing, in Metropolis (section for youths in the newspaper) they always have some kind of polls. The questions they asked are seriously "world-class questions," something like: have you ever cheated in a relationship? Does your partner knows that you cheat? DO YOU ASK FOR YOUR PARTNER'S PERMISSION? How does your partner react? I had no word when I read it. Sigh. Shouldn't we more concern about serious things, like politics, or environmental issues or something? Aren't we supposed to make our youths to be more aware to such issues?
Thus, I think medias in Indonesia are not that informative.
Next objection, people are rather homogeneous in their way of thinking. On one side, it is a good thing, that people hold up their traditional values. But, worlds progress, things are re-defined. What they might think as taboo now, some people find it tolerable or okay-to-do. It is really, I think, is a personal choice. Therefore, others should not judge the person based on majority's value. It's just unfair. Few bad implications of it is: people who are labeled as different live under oppression of lacking self-expression, people are afraid to think outside the box, it kills innovation, creativity, competition and it put the society at the stagnant level.
Not everything in the States I like, sometimes you can find Americans who think that they are all that, like their country is the greatest or something., and start looking down on others. WOW! Watch out! out of your small world, in a lot of countries Americas have bad reputations and being hated.
With all the pros and cons..
So, yes, I said: I was raised in Indonesia, but I GREW UP (I think I really do grow) here. The States feels more like home.

On Passion and Applause

This summer semester, I'm taking 3 classes:
- Asian American Studies. It's a critical thinking class. It's about race and racism.
- Art & Mass Medias. How fine & pop arts and medias are related.
- some junior-level English (writing) class.
As I'm majoring in Economics, I've always been taught by mostly hardcore conservative professors.
That is my comfort zone. Although, I do not consider myself a pure conservative, I lean towards it.
From others' experiences, I hear things about other social sciences professors. They are very liberal.
That is the complete opposite of what I believe in.
The Asian American Studies is really interesting. Obviously the professor teaches us some materials that I might classify more as "theory," not really proven.
For example, she opposed the idea of Americans invasion over Iraq. She believes that it is not our business to get involved in it. And, she mentioned that US used the "weapon of mass destruction" as an excuse.
Well, here's my take on it:
This is what I learned from a friend of mine, who is a soldier and served in Iraq few years ago.
- The soldiers help to re-build Iraq. They build houses, schools, they play sports with the local kids, etc.
- Before the invasion, we know that Saddam Husein was in absolute power. He went out to the street killing and raping people.
Therefore, for whatever reasons or excuses Americans might use, I think the invasion brought out something good for Iraqis people. They are no longer living in fear (at least there's no Saddam Husein).
I AM AGAINST WAR. I hate the idea of invasion to other countries. But, if one country is trying to help (esp. toppling down authoritarian leaders), it might lead to a better future for the people.
I am speaking out of my own experience. Indonesia was not a free country. Being a minority was something you had to regret since the day you were born.
Freedom and peace come in a high price.
Although my professor and I may not on the same side in most cases, but she respect others opinion, and does not bring down your grade for this reason. She is a really lovely person. :)
This class is really an eye-opening for me. Not only it really makes me more critical about this kind of issues, but also my professor's passion.
She is passionate in educating students and passionate in spreading what she believes in.
Passion separates the extrodinaries from the ordinaries! It does make a difference.
I am always in awe of passionate people. If only everyone follows their own passion. I think our civilization might progress more rapidly.
Passion is something that motivates you, makes you want to learn more. It gives you satisfaction out of what you do. Isn't great to love what you do? Isn't great to get paid for what you love to do?
There will be rocky roads. But, passionate people won't give up.
People can see you clearly when you show them that you love what you do.
I see it in the dance world and academic world. Sometimes you might lead others to love what you love. Or if not, others can see your enjoyment and find their own.
When they do make a change in my life, I always give them some acknowledgment or respect. Just let them know that they are doing a great job and how it impacts you. Some of them might not respond well, but hey that's their problems.
I believe in treating others the way you want to be treated. Therefore, regardless of their responses, I still say or do it. You never know that a lot of people really need this "pat on the back." They might be this close to give up, or quit doing their things, because they think that it doesn't make any difference or people don't respect their works. Showing your sincere, and truthful appreciation may keep them going.
It is never wrong to say positive things to others. Express it!
Cheers! :)

Dream is One Thing; Reality is Another

These days I've hooked on Taiwanese dramas. It is extremely bizarre, since I had never been in touch with any Asian movies/ TV shows or music for the last 4 years. I think I started to explore it again because of one of my friends said that she likes to watch some Korean dramas on this site, called mysoju.com. Out of curiosity, I went to that website, and GOSH!! it's like a crazy website. They have ALL (well almost all I guess) Asian movies and TV shows. CRAZY!
I usually watch American TV shows, so I think this was gonna be a refreshing thing.
Ok, so I like this one Taiwanese actress, Ella Chen. She seems like a funny, bubbly person. I think she is kind of person you want to be friend with. I watched most of the dramas that she was on.
Anyways, from the last time I watched these kind of TV shows, back in 2005/6, the plot hasn't changed. Here's how it goes:
There's this one innocent-pitiful-likeable girl has a crush on a-super-cool-out-of-your-league kinda guy. How hard it is to win his heart, and then come along another dude who pursues the girl and another girl who competes to win the supercool guy. Then the supercool guy realized that he falls for the pitiful girl. He can't just say it to her for whatever reason. They have to go through a long painful process just to be together. Dramatic, but a happy-ending.
With a little bit of twist and change of actors and actress, but the plot is like damn fixed!
I watch the shows only when I like the actors/actress, but if not then forget it. Sometimes I am so bored up to the point that I want to scream or cry. Seriously from the first episode, I know right away what is going to happen next and after that and how it is gonna end. It is that predictable!! AAAAAAAHHH.....!!!
There's one thing that I like and I hate about Asian TV shows: It is a fairytale.
They always picture that if you set your heart into it, you're eventually gonna get it. It's love life in particular. If you don't give up on pursuing the man of your dream, he's gonna fall for you.
Still related to that, it's the notion that: the "soulmate" or "your true love" who loves you no matter what. S/he loves you despite...(fill in the blank.. -you hurt him/her badly, you are a jerk, or good-at-nothing, etc-.)
In my opinion, those are LIES.
As much as I do not like spreading negativity, but I really think that this kind of lies actually make people even more disappointed or frustated with their own realities. Feeding people lies just make them to feel that if they are not in the "ideal" situation, they are failed in life.
They always picture this ideal soul-mate who treasure you like some kind of god/goddess/whatever.
On this matter, I think American shows picture a more realistic condition. You might be hurt because s/he is with someone else, or your partner might cheat on you, or do not treat you well. That is how I see the circumstances that majority of people are in.
However, all kind of medias always have this ideal element. Look at advertisement, like BMW, TV shows, like Gossip Girls.
It is really funny and sad when I see people who try so hard to live the "Gossip Girl life."
People are dictated to posses certain things, to be like this model or that actress, etc. They are trying to make you feel miserable if you are not up to that standard.
We have to be a wise consumer. Remember that: WE can define our own perfect life, our own standard of beauty, our own standard of worthiness. Keep that in mind, and you take all those lies as not more than just entertainment values.
It is your choice to be or not to be dictated.