When One Door Closes, Another Open Up

There was this one person I know who just lost his job. I was not sure to feel happy or sorry for him actually. Not that, I hate him and I love to see him out of jobs, but the company in which he was working treated him badly. He always stressed out, being threatened of losing his position if he does not fulfill certain standard. By certain standard, I mean ridiculous, because the company invests or help him almost nada in anyway to make those goals reachable. Stressing out a lot for getting ultimatum basically. So, when something happened and he was fired. I said nothing. I was secretly hoping that this would open up his eyes to opportunities around him. The job pays average, anyways. I just said I knew your capability, so I think you would be able to find a better job. But, guess what, he insisted to get back into the company. Somehow, he got re-hired.
Well, I don't know, I mean, I know you need a job that pays you, but what all those mean when you have to live under a lot of fear? It is scary to be out of job, but sometimes it is the only way for you to re-evaluate your decision, your choices. It does not always mean a bad thing. People need money, I get it. Denying the importance of it in daily lives is absurd and naive. But, you don't have to sell your soul to the devil, in my opinion.
In a bigger picture, I see that some people (maybe including me) prefer to be in a situation that are familiar, although it might means miserable, rather than jumping into something new, that who knows lead to something great. Some girls would stay in an abusive relationship, for they are convinced that nobody else would love them better than the current guys. As an outsider, it is easy for us to say: oh, you need to get out from this, blablabla. But, it is something in the back of people's mind that they feared to step out of the comfort zone. It is humane, and totally understandable.
But, pointing this fact out, I hope we would learn to see that all those are actually just us getting too scared og trying new things. Therefore, if at one point, we ever find ourselves in a not-so-happy point, maybe it is time to see if something gotta go, or change.
As the new year approaching, I hope, ooops no, I know we have a great and better days ahead of us! Stay positive. :D

"Champions are propelled by desire, not compelled by fear." - Denis Waitley

Life and Death

What is it about death that we're all afraid of?
I can't answer for all of you. But personally for me it's uncertainties.
Things are uncertain. Where are you gonna be, what are you gonna do? How long do you have to wait? How will you die? When is it? Are you gonna be alone? How does it feel?
I have always been really scared of death. I have this thought back since I was a kid.
If I would ever have to decide my own scene:
I would like to finally prove that true love exist, I lived a happy life, my life impacted people (Esp those who are around me) in a positive way. I would like to die surrounded by my loved ones: family and friends, I prefer I'm not to be in pain. I don't want to die from burning or drowning. Accidents scares me. Take a good care of my body when I'm already gone. I don't wanna be in coffin. It's too dark, and deep down. I'm scared of that, and I know I'll still be. Again, I don't want to be turn into ashes. I'm afraid of fire. So, please go with the trend during Jesus days. Put the body in a small-sized cave, please give me some window. I'm afraid of dark and I can't stand a room without a good air circulation. I know I'll still be. I hope no animals or insects eating me up.. :s
I grew up in a third world country, and there is a local custom when someone's died. The neighbors/ friends/ family put the body in a coffin. They carry the coffin all the way to the cemetery, it almost like a parade. So, people on the street would know that someone's just passed away, and they could see the coffin. Whenever we had this on the street, my mom always covered my eyes. Growing a little older, my mom only needs to tell me to look away or to cover my own eyes. She said that not everybody could see a scene like this, she's worried that my little heart can't handle and I'll just faint. hahaha.. My mom is a super-protective, she's the loveliest.
I'm 21 and I've never even gone to a single death-related ceremony. There are always things came up, and I could not be there. In a way, I'm thankful of that, I don't like sad faces and tears. I will cry and be depressed. And, I believe if I ever went to such things, I'll think about death even more often than it does now.
The thing about death bothers me again, this time because I'm about to travel to countries which US, UK, and Japan have issued travel warning against them for high risk of terrorist attacks. But, everything has been set, friends are set, plans are set. I don't know what to do, really. I do still want a long, happy life. Or at least, experiencing happiness once again after a while.
This thought came up also because one of my trainers just passed away recently. And, what's so tragic is.. he was the one who taught me to do some moves, and I've never bother to do it until few days ago I did them in my living room. And, in my head, I thought about him, the news about him makes me really sad, and depressed.
God, I don't know what to do.

Between Tradition and Ambition

You know how women in history has been struggling to achieve gender equality. We believe that what men can do, women can do. Thus, there is non-sense to discriminate against women. I have been brought up with a strong value of independence. I mean, my mom always stress it that girls have to be able to make their own living and stand on their own two feet. In my mind, I thought that means that girls (at least in my family) don't have to hold on those "Eastern things," like: get married before certain age, you only do this thing on this particular date that is believed to be a 'good day,' etc. Well, let's see.
I consider myself as a big dreamer. I dream with my eyes open, I dream while living my life. I always want freedom to do my own things. My parents who are kindly enough never said no to any of my requests. I don't know how my mom could cope with my "odd"-ness. Since I was a kid, I have always wanted to travel the world. Back then, I said I want to be a stewardess, or a tour guide. I know it's not like a big-shot lawyer or anything, my dream is quite simple: travel the world. I think I just have this "free-as-bird" in my DNA. Besides, my mom always always said to me: nothing is impossible. That saying is one of mottoes that I live by. I think this makes me to even dream the wildest dream possible.
On top of that, I think I'm a planner. I'm not stopping at being a dreamer, I have plans to make them come true. I mean I know that there will be some adjustments here and there along the road, but I drew the whole map already.
So, just recently I had a conversation with my mom about future stuffs. Things like career, and marriage. I told her that:
1. I don't want to marry before I'm financially secured.
2. My future husband also has to have a stability in money matter.
3. I don't see the point of marry at such a young age, just because they said so.
4. In my marriage life, I need someone who I can trust (fidelity) and can give me a moral support when I think I want to give up.
5. I don't want the relationship to be "clingy" or be a burden for both of us. I mean I wouldn't blame my guy if he couldn't make it to some of my events or things like that. I mean just don't cheat on me.
6. I hope both of us still as productive as when we were single. I don't want to get in a way, vice versa.
My mom doesn't agree on any of these tings! She says: well, you have to make sacrifices for your marriage, like you can't work all the time, also, it's okay to get married before the couples are financially ready... i think it'll be hard to find a guy like what you hope for. Very encouraging words, arent they? hahaha... Idk, I mean that's how I see things in life through a perspective of a carefree-just-turned-21-girl. I mean, maybe some of women aren't meant to get married...isn't it more girls than guys in the world? Oh wait, but we have to count for those who are into same-sex relationships. Idk.haha.. Maybe right now, God is preparing someone somewhere to be my guy, or maybe overtime He might change my way of thinking, or maybe it's between these two options. You never know. I'm just 21, I'm gonna do my own things, hoping to get done with my "To-Do-List," if there's a guy cross my path, then AT THAT TIME we shall see... in the meantime, I'm getting back to my own business.

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matt 6: 27, 33-34

Eat Pray Love

I just watched this movie this morning. It is about finding balance in life. The Julia Robert's life fall apart, and she decides to go on a trip to find "the thrill" in her life again. She learns to enjoy food, language, about friendship/ family/ taking care of each other in Italy. She finds her way to meditate and somewhat religion in India. Then, she learns to open up herself and fall in love again in Bali.

Things that I noted from this movie:

"What's the word for London?" "Stuffy" "What's the word for New York?" "Ambition" "What's the word for Rome?" "Sex"

"Americans they don't know how to enjoy pleasure. They work really hard, and then come home, and spend time watching TV." ""In Italy, we know when we need a break...La dolce far niente--the pleasure/ sweetness of doing nothing." "Italians, we talk with our hands."

"Let's go to Naples. We're gonna eat pizza." "I've gained 10 pounds, I can't have pizza." "I've say No to many things, but you can't be in Naples and not having pizza. We can go buy a big-girl-jeans later." "Have you ever been asked to leave when you undress [and the man see that you have a muffin top]? Well, men are so excited when there's a naked girl in his room. That's all that matters."

"It's Thanksgiving. What do you thankful for?" "Well, I'm thankful for being here, see men taking care of their women, parents putting their kids to sleep, friends taking care of each others...seeing and being a part of it."

All those quotes taken when Liz (Julia Roberts) is in Rome.

I am reminded by how can those basic values could slip off our mind real easily. Friends, family, and other enjoyment in lives. Those are things that I've never paid enough attention to. I've always been on the run, making priorities, doing all sort of things to achieve them. I believe that I have to put 24-7 and every breath I have to strive to achieve my goals in lives. I feel like I'm on the race, on the competition with others. If I stop and "smell the roses," others will win the race, and I would not let that happen, because I just can't be the loser. I believe that in life you have to work harder, faster and more efficient. There is no way to stop before you hit the goal. Things happen lately and all those reminds me how important to have a circle of friends and family to keep you on your balance, to celebrate with you when you're on top, to cheer you up and lift your spirit when you're down. Life is dull without them. It is frustrating not having your cheerleaders on the side. It is kinda embarrassing if you check my schedule, I always make them packed, so there's no way I could go out more than once a week on Friday night. I canceled all social activities: hanging out with friends, eating out, etc in exchange with dance classes or school-related stuffs (that has been postponed because of my dance schedule). How bitter I am when I see my others who seem to skip dance classes, and instead go out with their friends, but go further than me. I could not forgive myself. I beat myself up. I have given up all the time and everything I have for this. But, when things do not go as I planned, when I miss my targets, I feel like failures. And, I ditch everyone for this, when I'm down, nobody's there for me, when I reach it, I have no "audience." True story, and it took me a while to realize that something needs to be fixed. But, really a headstrong me. I pace myself to work harder, to do more works, to wake up early, go to bed late. It took me a while to realize that maybe when I find the fun of other activities, enjoy some time to socialize with others, etc. I might function better, I might be more efficient, I won't become such a depressed person, or always have a "failure-like" feeling, I might fins the pleasure of doing different things and in all things that I do.
By the way, the sermon today was also something about the importance of family. Family, in my interpretation, is your biological family and/ or friends.
Well, guess it's true that signs are there if you're open to them.
Thus, I decided that I need to work on my relationship with others, rebuilding my social lives. Let's see where it takes me. Relax. On your way achieving your goals, don't forget to stop and smell the roses. Otherwise, you might have mussing out on the beautiful things in life.

pete_cohen: “People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.” Dale Carnegie

Psalm 127

A song of ascents. Of Solomon.

1Unless the Lord builds the house,

its builders labor in vain.

Unless the Lord watches over the city,

the watchmen stand guard in vain.

2In vain you rise early

and stay up late,

toiling for food to eat—

for he grants sleep toa those he loves.

3Sons are a heritage from the Lord,

children a reward from him.

4Like arrows in the hands of a warrior

are sons born in one’s youth.

5Blessed is the man

whose quiver is full of them.

They will not be put to shame

when they contend with their enemies in the gate.
Footnotes:
a 2 Or eat— / for while they sleep he provides for

Anxious as Always

I feel like crap today. Lately, nothing goes according to my plan. Everything is just wrong. I planned things in life. I love to plan every single thing in my life: what I'll do tomorrow, next week, next month, next years, or in the next few years, what I'll eat, what I have to be able to achieve, etc. I live by planning things. I love things that is on schedule, organized and come out perfect. I hate any disruptions! Surprise, in this case, doesn't thrill me.
I like things in order. Not only schedule, but I'm also talking about stuffs around the house. Messy house kills me. OMG! seriously, now I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. Geez, it is really hard when you put things where they should be at, then people start throwing and moving them around. House is my place to get peace, which I rare feel when in the apt.
Anyways, talking about surprise and all the shocking things. How do you feel when you work your hardest to make something work, but the result is just disappointing? Why does life not go as you expect it to be? When we were kids, we all have big dreams. Then, it started to disappear, consumed by the bitter reality in the world. When I try to stick on my vision, the other part of me says that I'm delusional. This is not an easy time for my personal life. I have to find jobs, make money, etc. I find it embarrassing not to earn any income, I mean at least you could cover your personal expense. So, here I am trying to do my last semester in the university, work, dance, and learning a new language (not to mention keeping my sanity). What I fear the most is: what if I fail in this life? What if I don't find a job with good pay? What if I am never gonna be able to make my parents' life better? (I mean after what all they have done to me-- meaning never say no to any of my request, literally--) I just have to find ways to live my dreams. I don't know what and how, but I just have to. This transition times really puts me under a lot of pressure and anxiety. What if I make the wrong decision, take the wrong steps? I believe my future is determined by choices I made. I'm afraid I'm going to make a fatal choice, and that would be all for me. Being nothing scares me. Let me rephrase that: Being less-than-what-I-believe-I'm-set-out-to-be scares me.
P.S.: I feel bad for sharing something depressing, but not a lot of inspiration I could get in a state like this. So probably, just see it as me sharing my growing up experience, eh?!

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
"To be happy, resign as general manager of the universe." ~ RevRun

Germany WC 2010

Mannschaft and Home

Oh my goodness, I felt like crap yesterday. My Mannschaft lost to Spain in WC semi final. The match was so intense, then @!#!$#@$!@#$! Puyol scored a goal. Bah! He got lucky. HOLY COW! Bah that was not Mannschaft best performance, yet I think it was pretty fair and square. Watching my favorite players (well, I love them as a team) crying on the ground with all that frustrated, sad faces really break my heart. Yeah, heartbroken.. almost as bad as when your boyfriend dump you. But, I felt much better now.
SHOUT OUT TO DIE MANNSCHAFT:
Big hug for Mannschaft, you've fought hard and well! Coming this far is really an achievement. Thanks for all the fun and interesting matches. You're still my FAV!
Now, keep your heads up high! Beat Spain in the Euro 2012!!
By the way, Jogi has done a really good job! Hats off to you

Move on.. some guy came up to me few days ago. In our conversation, he asked all the general things, like where I'm from, etc etc. Then an interesting question popped up: So, where do you feel more like home: Indonesia or here (USA)?
Hmm... I said, here. Then I explained...
I really like it here, because all of the opportunities you can get here. I am one who loves to explore new things, have non-monotonous days, enjoy the most out of life basically. In the US, I feel like people are creative, there are bunches of activities and skills that countries like Indonesia doesn't have. For example: various kind of dances, from African, Salsa, pole dance, tap dance, trapeze, you name it. Then opportunities to learn pottery, poetry, etc that if you do extra research you could get it for free. People in the States are on the next level in terms of state of mind. They in general follow rules (public washrooms are not bad, public transportation is pretty good, etc.). You can find any kind of people here: one who supports abortion, tree hugger, vegan, anti-war, etc. People do not mainly focus on money, which is a big turn off for me. When you live in a developed country, the concerns and priorities are different. So, you know if you happen to express yourself in non-conventional way, you would not get based out, because there are people out there that think like you. It's the freedom and the opportunity to learn and grow.
But, I'm not suggesting that Indonesia is a rundown country. Well, let's see.. The environment that I (and most friends) grow up does not exactly equip us with all the needed skills in life. We live too dependent on our parents, and all the things we see on Gossip Girl. It is a heartbreaking fact that too much money apparently turns kids to be spoiled. Other than that, I felt like I live in a cage. With all the ridiculous policies from the government, censorship regulations, and living in a non-diverse community. I feel like everyone has to be the same. If you're not, the "majority" will use whatever force to turn you into one. People has to think the same, we can't be creative. Asking question is wrong, being critical is condemned. There is not much freedom. We are not thought to strive and thrive.
On the other hand, I respect Indonesian tangible culture: like Batik, the traditional dance, the places (cities, and all). Ok, one thing I still have problem with is the folk music: dangdut. I find the lyrics are mostly silly (talking about your man cheating on you, going off with another woman, or sometimes it's more like seducing a man). That is just weird for me, I don't know. I see the purpose of music is to communicate your message through the lyrics. In this case, dangdut is the same with hip hop, I mean "empty" (at least in my humble opinion) lyrics. But, hip hop, I enjoy the beat. Maybe because there are associations between all those cool moves in the music videos or movies with hip hop music. But, in dangdut video clips, again the videos are likely about a lover and all those dramas that I've mentioned above. I'm waiting to be proven wrong, though. But, Indonesian pop music is pretty good!
My next objection is: silly news. I never understand a high-caliber newspaper like Jawa Post sometimes could cover super stupid things, like: Obama's childhood in Indonesia. So, this article includes interviews from Obama's classmates in primary school. Oh my goodness?! SERIOUSLY?! And, not that informative, they said: Obama could not pronounce few words right (tell you what, my classmate in primary school was just like that!) hahahaha... And, later, somewhere it is said that Obama's favorite food is sate or bakso, I could not remember which one.
Yeah, we love that kind of soft news in Indo. It is really not that informative, it's more like "drama" value. Remember the TV show AFI or something (the singing contest, American Idol-like in Indosiar, aired years ago. They covered how each contestant lives in the house everyday. We want to know them at the personal level. Come on, really?! It's a damn singing contest. I don't want to know who miss his/her hometown or parents or whatever).
Another thing, in Metropolis (section for youths in the newspaper) they always have some kind of polls. The questions they asked are seriously "world-class questions," something like: have you ever cheated in a relationship? Does your partner knows that you cheat? DO YOU ASK FOR YOUR PARTNER'S PERMISSION? How does your partner react? I had no word when I read it. Sigh. Shouldn't we more concern about serious things, like politics, or environmental issues or something? Aren't we supposed to make our youths to be more aware to such issues?
Thus, I think medias in Indonesia are not that informative.
Next objection, people are rather homogeneous in their way of thinking. On one side, it is a good thing, that people hold up their traditional values. But, worlds progress, things are re-defined. What they might think as taboo now, some people find it tolerable or okay-to-do. It is really, I think, is a personal choice. Therefore, others should not judge the person based on majority's value. It's just unfair. Few bad implications of it is: people who are labeled as different live under oppression of lacking self-expression, people are afraid to think outside the box, it kills innovation, creativity, competition and it put the society at the stagnant level.
Not everything in the States I like, sometimes you can find Americans who think that they are all that, like their country is the greatest or something., and start looking down on others. WOW! Watch out! out of your small world, in a lot of countries Americas have bad reputations and being hated.
With all the pros and cons..
So, yes, I said: I was raised in Indonesia, but I GREW UP (I think I really do grow) here. The States feels more like home.