Anxious as Always

I feel like crap today. Lately, nothing goes according to my plan. Everything is just wrong. I planned things in life. I love to plan every single thing in my life: what I'll do tomorrow, next week, next month, next years, or in the next few years, what I'll eat, what I have to be able to achieve, etc. I live by planning things. I love things that is on schedule, organized and come out perfect. I hate any disruptions! Surprise, in this case, doesn't thrill me.
I like things in order. Not only schedule, but I'm also talking about stuffs around the house. Messy house kills me. OMG! seriously, now I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. Geez, it is really hard when you put things where they should be at, then people start throwing and moving them around. House is my place to get peace, which I rare feel when in the apt.
Anyways, talking about surprise and all the shocking things. How do you feel when you work your hardest to make something work, but the result is just disappointing? Why does life not go as you expect it to be? When we were kids, we all have big dreams. Then, it started to disappear, consumed by the bitter reality in the world. When I try to stick on my vision, the other part of me says that I'm delusional. This is not an easy time for my personal life. I have to find jobs, make money, etc. I find it embarrassing not to earn any income, I mean at least you could cover your personal expense. So, here I am trying to do my last semester in the university, work, dance, and learning a new language (not to mention keeping my sanity). What I fear the most is: what if I fail in this life? What if I don't find a job with good pay? What if I am never gonna be able to make my parents' life better? (I mean after what all they have done to me-- meaning never say no to any of my request, literally--) I just have to find ways to live my dreams. I don't know what and how, but I just have to. This transition times really puts me under a lot of pressure and anxiety. What if I make the wrong decision, take the wrong steps? I believe my future is determined by choices I made. I'm afraid I'm going to make a fatal choice, and that would be all for me. Being nothing scares me. Let me rephrase that: Being less-than-what-I-believe-I'm-set-out-to-be scares me.
P.S.: I feel bad for sharing something depressing, but not a lot of inspiration I could get in a state like this. So probably, just see it as me sharing my growing up experience, eh?!

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step." ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
"To be happy, resign as general manager of the universe." ~ RevRun

Mannschaft and Home

Oh my goodness, I felt like crap yesterday. My Mannschaft lost to Spain in WC semi final. The match was so intense, then @!#!$#@$!@#$! Puyol scored a goal. Bah! He got lucky. HOLY COW! Bah that was not Mannschaft best performance, yet I think it was pretty fair and square. Watching my favorite players (well, I love them as a team) crying on the ground with all that frustrated, sad faces really break my heart. Yeah, heartbroken.. almost as bad as when your boyfriend dump you. But, I felt much better now.
SHOUT OUT TO DIE MANNSCHAFT:
Big hug for Mannschaft, you've fought hard and well! Coming this far is really an achievement. Thanks for all the fun and interesting matches. You're still my FAV!
Now, keep your heads up high! Beat Spain in the Euro 2012!!
By the way, Jogi has done a really good job! Hats off to you

Move on.. some guy came up to me few days ago. In our conversation, he asked all the general things, like where I'm from, etc etc. Then an interesting question popped up: So, where do you feel more like home: Indonesia or here (USA)?
Hmm... I said, here. Then I explained...
I really like it here, because all of the opportunities you can get here. I am one who loves to explore new things, have non-monotonous days, enjoy the most out of life basically. In the US, I feel like people are creative, there are bunches of activities and skills that countries like Indonesia doesn't have. For example: various kind of dances, from African, Salsa, pole dance, tap dance, trapeze, you name it. Then opportunities to learn pottery, poetry, etc that if you do extra research you could get it for free. People in the States are on the next level in terms of state of mind. They in general follow rules (public washrooms are not bad, public transportation is pretty good, etc.). You can find any kind of people here: one who supports abortion, tree hugger, vegan, anti-war, etc. People do not mainly focus on money, which is a big turn off for me. When you live in a developed country, the concerns and priorities are different. So, you know if you happen to express yourself in non-conventional way, you would not get based out, because there are people out there that think like you. It's the freedom and the opportunity to learn and grow.
But, I'm not suggesting that Indonesia is a rundown country. Well, let's see.. The environment that I (and most friends) grow up does not exactly equip us with all the needed skills in life. We live too dependent on our parents, and all the things we see on Gossip Girl. It is a heartbreaking fact that too much money apparently turns kids to be spoiled. Other than that, I felt like I live in a cage. With all the ridiculous policies from the government, censorship regulations, and living in a non-diverse community. I feel like everyone has to be the same. If you're not, the "majority" will use whatever force to turn you into one. People has to think the same, we can't be creative. Asking question is wrong, being critical is condemned. There is not much freedom. We are not thought to strive and thrive.
On the other hand, I respect Indonesian tangible culture: like Batik, the traditional dance, the places (cities, and all). Ok, one thing I still have problem with is the folk music: dangdut. I find the lyrics are mostly silly (talking about your man cheating on you, going off with another woman, or sometimes it's more like seducing a man). That is just weird for me, I don't know. I see the purpose of music is to communicate your message through the lyrics. In this case, dangdut is the same with hip hop, I mean "empty" (at least in my humble opinion) lyrics. But, hip hop, I enjoy the beat. Maybe because there are associations between all those cool moves in the music videos or movies with hip hop music. But, in dangdut video clips, again the videos are likely about a lover and all those dramas that I've mentioned above. I'm waiting to be proven wrong, though. But, Indonesian pop music is pretty good!
My next objection is: silly news. I never understand a high-caliber newspaper like Jawa Post sometimes could cover super stupid things, like: Obama's childhood in Indonesia. So, this article includes interviews from Obama's classmates in primary school. Oh my goodness?! SERIOUSLY?! And, not that informative, they said: Obama could not pronounce few words right (tell you what, my classmate in primary school was just like that!) hahahaha... And, later, somewhere it is said that Obama's favorite food is sate or bakso, I could not remember which one.
Yeah, we love that kind of soft news in Indo. It is really not that informative, it's more like "drama" value. Remember the TV show AFI or something (the singing contest, American Idol-like in Indosiar, aired years ago. They covered how each contestant lives in the house everyday. We want to know them at the personal level. Come on, really?! It's a damn singing contest. I don't want to know who miss his/her hometown or parents or whatever).
Another thing, in Metropolis (section for youths in the newspaper) they always have some kind of polls. The questions they asked are seriously "world-class questions," something like: have you ever cheated in a relationship? Does your partner knows that you cheat? DO YOU ASK FOR YOUR PARTNER'S PERMISSION? How does your partner react? I had no word when I read it. Sigh. Shouldn't we more concern about serious things, like politics, or environmental issues or something? Aren't we supposed to make our youths to be more aware to such issues?
Thus, I think medias in Indonesia are not that informative.
Next objection, people are rather homogeneous in their way of thinking. On one side, it is a good thing, that people hold up their traditional values. But, worlds progress, things are re-defined. What they might think as taboo now, some people find it tolerable or okay-to-do. It is really, I think, is a personal choice. Therefore, others should not judge the person based on majority's value. It's just unfair. Few bad implications of it is: people who are labeled as different live under oppression of lacking self-expression, people are afraid to think outside the box, it kills innovation, creativity, competition and it put the society at the stagnant level.
Not everything in the States I like, sometimes you can find Americans who think that they are all that, like their country is the greatest or something., and start looking down on others. WOW! Watch out! out of your small world, in a lot of countries Americas have bad reputations and being hated.
With all the pros and cons..
So, yes, I said: I was raised in Indonesia, but I GREW UP (I think I really do grow) here. The States feels more like home.

Looking Back on My Journey

I was talking to my sister the other night. I mentioned to her that when I was growing up, I used to kinda hide the fact that I love to dance. Middle school, High school fellows did not really fond of the idea of dancing. There was a stereotype that those who dance in school events, or wherever might be, are type of people who flirt, trying to be the center of attention. Not wanting to be associated with those things, I never participated in school's dance activities, like any talent shows, or extracurricular. However, secretly and diligently I was working my ass off practicing at home, at Marlupi dance studio, and some dance groups. Silly times, hahaha.. I still remembered that MTV aired Wade Robson Project on Sunday afternoon, my mom and I watched the show together. Then, I would try to learn his moves. Whenever they air the show, I would always watch it, even though I had watched that particular episode before. I remembered 2 contestants from the show: Twitch and David Moore. I sort of cant believe, now I took classes from these people, even Wade Robson himself. Well, anyways, before I left for Seattle, I did my research on dance studios. Found one, and learned there. But, I've always had my eyes on Millennium Dance Complex in LA. The place to be for high caliber dancers. It is such a shame I didn't train seriously until a year ago. So, I went to LA every summers, danced for hours there. I've always wanted to move to LA for this reason. Well, here I am now, purposely just living few blocks away from Millennium. Plus, My parents are quite, not fully, supportive of dancing. I don't have a word to express this grateful feelings. Sometimes, I would feel like there are people who are less fortunate, but are more talented than me, they might deserve the privilege I have. Dancing is surely a privilege. Learning from the best gurus are just beyond words. I'm aware of that, and that's why I'm learning as much as possible, and trying not to take all the available resources for granted.
Do I deserve to be here? I don't know. It's been a long way for me just to reach this point. It was only a dream, but then the ball start rolling. I've been working pretty hard, juggling with kinda hectic schedule, picking myself up every time I'm down, and growing thick-face.
I might not the best or the greatest dancer (yet). But, I know I'm quite proud of myself. I'm coming from a country where the dance scene is nowhere near comparable to Hollywood standard. Society overlooks and undermines dancing. Telling you the truth, most of kids in my culture have our future jobs pre-determined already. It's businessmen/women (or business-related jobs), engineering jobs, and some designers. My parents keep telling me thousand times that I couldn't pursue dancing as a major, let alone career. Really, the job options are limited. Dancing blood is not running in my family. I have very little training of it. So, now I'm here sharing the floor with talented people from all over the world. Most, if not all, of them have been dancing since they have been dancing since they were born.
I feel it's just miracle that took me to this point. And, few times when I got called in class, you know I feel like going to cloud 9.
It's been a long way. And yet, there's a long road ahead of me. I'm eager and excited to learn, improve, and share the passion.
Most credits go to Him the Big Guy, my parents who are sincerely putting up with my "weirdness," supportive friends, my beloved Ps. Scott Dudley, my teachers who helped me grow in one way or another: Tante Marlupi, Wade Robson, Jermaine Browne, Luam, Eric Negron,Nick Demoura, Jayson Wright, Misha Gabriel, Marty Kudelka, Kenny Wormald, Ivan Koumaev,Joesar Alva, Karon, Donyelle Jones, Nick Wilson, Tucker Barkley, David Moore, Shane Sparks, Rhapsody, Nick Bass, Lyle Beniga, Shaun Evaristo, Leslie Scott -> it's a long list, not a complete one, those are who I can remembered their influence in me. But hey, I gotta respect those who make me who I am today.
As my mom always says: Ora et Labora, and nothing is impossible.